A new month and praying for a fresh start...

The last 2 weeks have been a little rough, to be honest. There were some harsh judgments of my character, judgments by me on others’ characters, and a severe lack of progress at school. 

October finished harshly. 

I am learning to be patient, something at which I have never been good. I am learning to take time before responding to a stressful situation. Bart, an ID-4 who has been here for 2 1/2 years now (CRAZY, MAN!) calls it "5 F-ing Hours." No matter how much you want to scream at someone for what is going on, he waits "5 F-ing Hours" to respond, so he has had time to cool down. Now for those who know me well, 5 hours would be like 5 days in my world. I hate conflict so much, I can last about 5 minutes. So Bart's 5 hours is about 30-60 minutes in my world. But biting my tongue for those 30-60 minutes the last few weeks (and even drafting emails before sending them so I can reflect on what I'm about to say!) has been such a good learning experience. I have avoided a lot of drama (albeit there still WAS a lot of drama), managed to remain composed in a society were that composition is of upmost importance, and, frankly, I have managed not to openly yell at anyone...though today's IPS-I (social science class) got a stern, "Wow, we learned this for one day and you practiced it and still no one can say one sentence?! Wow." I have no problem showing disappointment. 

So needless to say, all this drama has me asking, "It is worth me being here?" "How much difference have I made?" "How much difference can I really make?" 

I am tired of being called fat. I am weary from being reminded how different I am, I have been brought to tears at the lack of understanding of the language around me, and I am frustrated from pouring my heart and soul into teaching and cultural integration only to have few people seem to recognize how hard it can be for a lone American here.

Last night at my church’s worship was the first time I almost broke down here. There is something about worship that allows your heart to finally get a word in and you are finally in tune with your emotions rather than lost in your thoughts. In that moment, I realized how much I miss home. I miss worshipping in my language. I miss chatting with my friends and it being effortless. I miss having people I love to comfort me when I am sad and lonely. I miss being able to call people up at a moment’s notice when I need them. I miss hard work being recognized. I miss simple things, like not having to boil water before drinking it, eating food that I like, not having to brave the storm of 15 little kids yelling at me until I say hello as I just try to make my way to the shower during their tutoring time.

As hard as these 2 weeks have been, I try my best to stop and put it all into perspective. I was sent here and I have a purpose. I am learning so much about myself, my culture, my faith. I am here for a reason, even if that has not been revealed to me yet.

Despite all of the lonely, tough times...

here are the reasons I remain hopeful and trusting: