Balancing Act

It’s hard to find a balance in Indonesia.

- Be angry or calm (and/or indifferent) about classroom problems?

- Push my counterpart or let her be?

- Scream with joy or seem sad when people ask me how many more months I have here?

Year Two here in Indonesia has been full of great things and full of self-realizations that are very uncomfortable.

Some of the great things first. I like neat lists, so here’s one for ya:

• I have some really close friends (Faik, Lilik, Nurul, Rois) and I trust them enough to tell them everything. My frustrations with my school and host family, funny day-to-day stories, goofy texts, anything.

Nurul and I have a fashion show! 

Rois is the biggest English-enthusiast I've ever met.

Faik and I hanging out on my #1 form of transit, the bus

Lilik and I just hanging out. A typical day looks like this!

• I changed churches (to a Protestant Pentecostal church) that allows for way better worship and a few younger people. It’s unfortunate that I live a 30-minute bike ride away because I can only go to church about every 2-3 weeks between the rainy season and being busy with other activities.

• Indonesian pop music is great! I have no problem with my music tastes being dictated by the media. Ungu, Noah and Judika are your typical pop bands that have nice moody teen love songs that are always enjoyable.

Karaoke to celebrate my friend's birthday. Check out this song: Dirimu Satu 

• I’ve been building relationships with young Indonesian college students. It’s been really fulfilling to hang out with people who actually like English and are very motivated people. One guy has taken to calling me “Ning,” which means “older sister” and frequently asks me for advice. Lord, I’m 25 years old in 2 weeks. I’m giving life advice to a 20 year old??? I’m getting old!

Despite looking like American high school students, these are college-aged Indonesians!

• Exercising with Zumba videos is a work in process but makes me feel a lot better about my general lack of activity here. I definitely enjoy feeling healthier and having a stronger body.

• I have now climbed three tall Indonesian volcanoes (2 active, one inactive) with my PCV friend Brian who is hilarious. Brian should really be a bullet point in and of himself. One can’t get enough texts such as “Your friend Rendy is a solid human,” or “Here are some pictures of our most recent rice-filled Indonesian experience,” or this text, on celebrating Mohammad's birthda: "...The big nabi. Afterward a big ass berkompul at my house. Nasi jagung flying off the walls.”

You can tell by his facial reaction to this cap cay that this man is hilarious! 

• I have run out of movies to watch (but in a month I’ll meet up with all the volunteers again and get a new supply!) so I’m reading a lot more. Fantastic books of 2013-2014 include:

o   Dead Man Walking by Sister Helen Prejean (What better way to spend time on the beach in Gili Trawangan than to read a book about the US death penalty?!)

o   The Year of Living Biblically by AJ Jacobs (This is a funny book about a Jewish man’s quest to follow all the rules of the Bible for a year. He has a lot of insightful reflections as a man who did not see himself as a very spiritual man.)

o   The Book Thief by Zusak Markus (This book is about a little German girl who steals books as she lives in the WWII era. It includes her struggle to understand what is happening in Nazi Germany. Wonderful read.)

o   The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern (This is about a circus in which some of the performers are capable of real magic.)

o   Crazy Love by Francis Chen (This was a very challenging book about what a “lukewarm” Christian looks like, how someone who is really obsessed with God should look, and how we ought to live with radical love like Jesus.)

o   The Color of Heaven by Julianne MacLean (This was an engaging book about a recently divorced woman who loses her daughter to cancer. A book about her learning about her past from her mother and coming to terms with her present day life.)

o   Ashfall by Mike Mullin (This is a thrilling book about a boy living through Yellowstone’s super volcano and having to make his way across what was Iowa to find his family.)

o   The Fault in Our Stars by John Green (A great recommendation by Lauren M., this book was about a teenage girl with cancer who dates another teenage cancer survivor.)

On the beack in Lombok

For a nice counter to all the good things listed above, here are some reflections on self-realizations that have been less-than-great.

Self-realization #1:

      I am very indifferent to student behavior in the classroom at this point. Playing with a pet crab today in class? I asked twice for them to put it away, and when they didn’t, I just ignored them instead of caring anymore. Most of my male students do not like English and have an extremely low ability in English. Taking a page out of one of the ID5’s books, I have taken to trying to just ignore them if they are not listening (this is if they even come to class). This is a big change from last year’s teaching attitude, which was to help everyone succeed and work my butt off to help even the most uninterested boys. This year, I gave that up because my relentless encouragement of the struggling students last year amounted to nothing; they still didn’t care or change their work ethic.

      The way the teachers in my school grade is very arbitrary anyways. The students can sit through a semester of class, learn nothing, fail, and then the principal tells teachers they have to give the students passing grades because the parents are complaining. Thus, the teachers give ONE remedial assignment that probably takes an hour to do. Then the student passes the class. I am dead serious that this is the way it works; I saw the evidence today with my counterpart.

      My attitude toward these students is not something that I am proud of, but I can’t be angry every time they don’t care and talk through the lesson because I spent all of last year being angry and it’s exhausting. Ignoring the behavior of the majority of the boys is not appealing but it’s my self-preservation. 

Self-realization #2:

      As for the sustainability of my work, I can say that I am half-confident that what I am doing matters. I work with Bu U and Bu L (Bu means “Mrs.”). Bu L (28 years old) has shown a lot of what I’d subjectively deem improvement, based on the way she prepares lessons, explains things to students, and tries to have fun with them. She generally is on time, willing to stay after school to teach extra lessons, and we just click.

      Bu U (45 years old), on the other hand, is simply overworked. This results in her generally going about 15 minutes late to every class she teaches and she has no problem just arriving in class, flipping open the workbook, and teaching whatever the book says to teach next. No preparation required. I am reluctant to push her to plan with me for every class. Make worksheets, print worksheets. Brainstorm games, make the games. I am realistic and I know that she won’t do this when I go home so I don’t want to be a bother to her in the next five months. I pushed her a lot last year, but when I stayed more silent this year, she went back to workbook mode. I don't know what my role as a PCV is in this situation. I generally sit through her 30-45 minute rote explanations of what a narrative text is, and then I lead a hopefully more active and fun classroom activity with the students. She’s always willing to do these activities, but it seems like she doesn’t want to suggest them or make them up herself.

      Then again, this entire self-realization #2 in which I have complained could really be me trying to place the blame of poor teaching on someone other than myself. Either way, the self-realization here is that I feel like I haven't worked to be the best counterpart I can be. I'm disappointed in myself, frankly, but there are still 5 months to turn things around.

Self-realization #3:

      A final thing I’m dealing with on a daily basis is the question, “Miss, kurang berapa bulan?” (How many more months do you still have here?) I am asked this almost every day and as I texted some PCV friends this morning, it takes all I my energy not to scream with joy “Five months!” at the innocent inquirer.

      When I first arrived, every day I was asked, “Apakah kamu kerasan di sini?” (Do you feel at home here?) I answered, “Yes,” because I was. New people I meet to this day ask me this question. I routinely answer, “Yes.”

      But when I sit down now and think about this, do I feel at home here? The real answer is “Not really. I'm happy enough, but I don't love it and don't want to be here any longer than June 2014.”

o   I am counting the days until I get to “GO HOME.”

o   I shrug when there are behavior problems and grading problems at home because I tell myself, “This is not my problem. This is not my schooling system.”

o   When we spend an hour of school every Monday practicing standing in lines and repeating the same Indonesian values and prayers over and over again, I just think to myself, “This is not MY country’s character-building agenda, thank God. What a waste of time.”

o   When Bu U left class today for 30 minutes with a “Sorry Miss, I am hungry, I’m going to go eat,” I just said, “Okay.” Not my problem if the students suffer from their teacher’s absence.

o   When Indonesia came in basically last on the OECD’s results of teens around the world and their intelligence, I shrugged and said, “It’s sad, but maybe if teachers went to class, it would change. Maybe if parents encouraged and helped their children to do their homework it would change. Maybe if the local governments stopped letting teachers pay $25,000 (the honest-to-God bribe Nurul’s friend paid in December 2013 to become a civil servant teacher) for their certifications and actually took the tests, it would change. Maybe if teachers stopped students from cheating, it would change.” Indonesia is ridden with problems on all levels; the government, the teachers, the students. Because no one wants to take responsibility, nothing changes.

            These comments may seem harsh, but they are the reality here. I’m currently trying to step back and see how I’m being biased. Today, I’m also just having a bad day. There are lots of teachers doing good things here, too. But when I think individually about each teacher at my school, so many of them are late to class every day, just don’t go to class, give arbitrary grades, don’t really check assignments, etc. These are just the observations at my own school, through my less-than-perfect eyes, but I do think that they count for something.

             The embarrassing self-realization here is that I came to Indonesia to help, and I'm currently dealing with the attitude, "Thank gosh this country's education system is not my problem." Why is it that I'm ready and willing to help with American problems but not help Indonesia? This is frankly a scary, biased, non-Christian view to have about the world, yet it's the attitude I currently possess.  

*****

            The long and short of it is, I have been ready to go home for months. In July 2013, Peace Corps staff asked us to identify how we were feeling about our second year of service. I picked the phrase, “I made a commitment and I’m sticking to it.” This phrase implies that I am biding my time. To the PC staff who may be reading this, don’t think I want to be sent home early. I am still teaching, still creating new projects (IGLOW and English Conversation Club are new, big activities beginning this week), but it’s all with the ever-present excitement that I am leaving in 5 months.

           

            I can guarantee you that there will be at least one American girl bawling during the nationalistic songs played under the bursts of the 4^th of July fireworks this year. I am damn proud to be an American!